you’ve got stool

Postbox in Weimar (don't have a photo of a Munich postbox)

It all started this last summer. There were a few mentions of it in the local paper, but you could tell they didn’t want to say too much. Give too many details. Their concern regarding copycat incidents was understandable. You don’t want to give people ideas.

Someone in the Munich area has been sending more than the mail in local postboxes. The Deutsche Post has discovered faeces in their bright yellow receptacles. First they thought it was dog waste, but they’ve looked into the matter, and it turns out that this is manmade.

Here, I’ll let you read what I found about this in English: Crappy correspondence confounds Munich.

As they say in the article, ‘…the errant stool…has caused thousands of dollars in damage and much aggravation.’ This one’s almost writing itself.

Why on earth am I even telling you about all this? You’re trying to eat your breakfast or whatever and you open up what up until now has been a relatively refined and thought-provoking blog, and what’s he talking about? Poop in the chute? The postman always wipes twice?

Well, that reserved blogging is behind us. If you read the article to the end you’ll see that they’re offering a €4,000 reward. I’ll be able to buy all the Bavarian Weißwurst I want with that kind of dosh.

Here’s where you come in. You’ve watched those Profiler shows, right? Where they come up with a motive and zero in on the killer? Yes, that kind. But here there’s no murder. It’s property damage. Rather than ‘you’ve got mail’ it’s ‘you’ve got poop’ (thanks @piisalie  in Oklahoma City). This is serious stuff.

I need you to help me come up with a profile. What sort of person would shove his own excrement back into such a tight space? Maybe it started as a prank, and it was just too much fun. Which begs the question: Who would find such a thing fun? These are Profiler questions-pay attention folks.

So now it’s up to you. I’ve been very impressed with the player participation on this non-teablog thus far. From Jim w (@blogginglily) the nicest troll to ever muck up an early blogpost and trailblazer1‘s excellent research skills in finding out more about Benedetto Cotrugli and Double-Entry Bookkeeping, all the way through to Lisa Galaviz introducing us to the wonders of truckballs (http://southern4x4.com/images/Truck%20Nutz.jpg).

You readers are an eclectic and industrious lot. Now? Let’s go catch us the perpetrator of all this Poop Mail.

updated version:

Ok, I’m going to build a composite based on your excellent profiling skills (I’ll work from the last ones backwards):

If he’s been eating carrots or sweet corn, we’re going to know about it. Not sure about what I’d actually be looking for if I staked out a supermarket…individuals buying sweet corn? Or carrots? That seems like a stretch, but otherwise…uh…an interesting lead Lisa.

From what inkstainedpaws has deduced, he’s a mentally ill adolescent. Ok, looks like we’re getting somewhere. If he’s buying sweet corn or carrots, we’ve almost got him cornered.

Our good friend Lewin has also gone down the digestive tract of leads, as it were. Once the Bavarian authorities let me near the evidence, we’ll be well on our way. lucysfootball offered her assistance, I magnanimously said I’d share my Weißwurst, but we’ve heard nothing else from the dear lady. She clearly has no idea how delicious the Weißwurst is. Come on lucysfootball. We could use your valuable hands-on attention.

Some of you were rather proficient at this whole Profiler thing. Patrick doubts the perpetrator’s using his own fecal material, and is sure the guys making a point about modern society’s filth. Why he’d drive an upmarket vehicle, I don’t know. But on the other hand, why not? Clean-shaven, married, once-divorced financial market worker. Wow…it’s like we’ve already caught the bastard. Thanks Patrick. Hope you like Weißwurst. Hope no CSU functionaries actually read this. Their notorious good sense of humour will probably fail in this situation.

Canzonett makes a good point that this is most definitely a man, as Lewin does later. No one seriously thinks this is a lady. If it is, in fact, a woman, she’s been crazy like a fox. And blogginglily quite logically believes that this can all be attributed to anger with the sewage/waste department. An unpaid bill or some sort of unbelievable slight on him that the city services have unknowingly committed.

All of you should start preparing the celebrations. This fellow is most definitely getting nervous as we close in on him.

25 thoughts on “you’ve got stool

  1. Obviously step one is to put yourself in the mind of the perpetrator.

    What you have here is someone who is pissed (pardon the pun) the high cost of his water/sewer bill. So he’s beating the system. I say he because no woman would ever do this.

    Look for a man with an unpaid sewer bill.

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  2. I still think portopotty is funnier, but will grudgingly admit it requires at least some passing bilingualism.

    As to the perpetrator, I don’t think he’s putting his own feces (what in the world is faeces?) in the slot. He’s upset about dirty streets and criminality, and likely blames immigrants. He is scooping whatever he finds on the boulevard. He is an older german fellow (not elderly, 50-60), who does not own an animal. He drives a late model black station wagon, made by BMW, Mercedes or Audi, is married but has been divorced at least once. He is out on the streets in the early AM, so he is a fit whitecollar worker, probably in the finance industry. He is right-handed, clean shaven, Protestant and voted in the last election for the CSU.

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    • You’re right Patrick, ‘portopotty’ is funny. Very funny. We can use that, too.

      Wow, you’re profile is really specific. I like the looks of that. This is exactly why we should already start planning how we’re going to spend the reward money. Other than all that Weißwurst I can already taste.

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  3. Hrmpf. Any self-respecting Internet sleuth would begin by acquiring a sample and subjecting it to microscopy. Are there unusual pollen grains from a species of laburnum found only in the south of Italy? Residue from a rare mink-milk cheese, native to a tiny region of Thessalonika and never exported? For further ideas, I suggest rewatching Austin Powers 2, specifically the Fat Bastard stool sample scene.

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    • Well Lewin,

      The Bavarian police haven’t yet let me anywhere near the stool sample, but once they see my awesome profiling skills, they’ll be begging me to come test the Poop Mail for all those things you mentioned.

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  4. I’d say it’s a prepubescent child. not quite at the age for crimes like car jacking and petty theft, but I’m sure the tyke’s been known to lift something he/she wants from a store when the parents won’t buy it for him. He might be mad at his parents. Or a teacher. Or maybe he just thinks its entertaining to fuck with people. I don’t think the person intends to deliberately be a pain in the butt, they’re doing it for the attention.

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  5. Well whoever he is, he is someone who likes to poo… And then put that poo in post boxes…

    How frequent are the in incidents? We would need to look at how dedicated this person is to the cause. Also (and I apologise for the ickiness in advance) but the consistency and strength of smell would probably factor into it as well. Also looking through it to find carrots or sweet corn to decide what it is that the perpetrator actually ate. Once this is done, I would then hang around in the supermarkets and restaurants in the vicinity that match the profile…

    I say all of this knowing full well I wouldn’t do any of that stuff so, here’s the bonus, you get my advice FOR FREE.

    Or you can just start doing it yourself and wait for the perpetrator to come to your door pissed off that you stole their idea. Totally up to you.

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  6. You wouldn’t know anything about waiting patiently for a package to arrive in Munich, would you Jo?

    Nice photo you linked to by the way. That little cherub certainly appears to be enjoying himself.

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